Classifieds

The Island's most reliable marketplace. Every listing personally unverified by our team. Free to advertise; adverts removed after a random interval of our choosing. To submit one, use Submit a Story and pick 'Classified'.

For Sale

**Fridge Freezer**FOR SALE — Fridge freezer, currently used as a garden ornament. Keeps the slugs cold. £15. IW 5856.

**Double Bed**FOR SALE — Double bed with mattress, £150, had very little use. Will chuck in purple faux velvet headboard.

**Three-Seater Sofa**FOR SALE — Three-seater sofa, matching garden ornament to the fridge above. Lightly weathered. Offers.

**Microwave**FOR SALE — Microwave, £20, used for the occasional Rustler burger. Good condition. Selling as easier than cleaning.

**Jazz Mags**FOR SALE — Vintage Jazz magazine collection. Open to offers. All issues dating back to the 1970s, the golden era of jazz mags. Sorry to see them go. Selling due to wife's recent discovery.

**Leather All-In-One**FOR SALE — Leather all-in-one with rare mouth zip mask and thumb screws. Comfortable to wear as well worn in. Requires a slim build.

**Alum Bay Sand**FOR SALE — Black market Alum Bay coloured sand, real stuff, none of that painted rubbish. £30 per bottle, grockles only.

**Pompey Memorabilia**FOR SALE — Portsmouth FC memorabilia from the last six years. Some items are slightly tear-stained and whiff of fish. All very likely to become very rare!! Call Terry Skate on 07657 657657.

**Jimll Fix It Badge**FOR SALE — Jim'll Fix It badge for anyone that wants it. I just want it out the house.

**Broken Toaster**FOR SALE — Broken Kenwood toaster. In its hey day it was amazing, bread to toast in 60 seconds. But I have anger issues and I'm lonely; I just want someone to see what I was able to accomplish with a sledgehammer. £20 ono.

**Used Tombstone**FOR SALE — Used tombstone, perfect for someone named Finrod Felagund.

**Mousetrap**FOR SALE — Mousetrap, used once and very effective. Frail fingers mean I can't use it again; comes with partially decomposed mouse. £2.

**Can Depress T-Shirt**FOR SALE — IW Can Depress T-shirt. Unwanted present. £1.

Wanted

**Car Share**WANTED — Car share, something fast preferred. Meet outside Barclays Bank, two o'clock sharp next Tuesday. Bring your own balaclava, share of profits and petrol money.

**Taxi Drivers**WANTED — Taxi drivers required for immediate start. Criminal record essential, as must be prepared to demand large sums of money for what is, after all, only a lift home.

**Zombie Survival Kit**WANTED — Pistol, baseball bat and renegade cop with a bad attitude for zombie apocalypse survival team. I have no money to offer but I am a keen role player and fast learner.

**Magic Cards**WANTED — Magic card collection: Fire Donkey, Jailbait Thug and the Mucus Guardian. Needed to destroy the evil Lord of Dragon Doom and save the world from eternal darkness. Call Jan or Adam.

**Decent Dealer**WANTED — Decent dealer, new to the Island and looking to make friends. Have cash. Apply Newport Police Station, High Street, Newport.

**Hotel Training**WANTED — Training of several management staff at a mediocre hotel in a busy tourist spot. Any help would be appreciated as we lack the skills needed to run a successful establishment.

**Dead or Alive**WANTED — Dead or alive. Man responsible for a slew of killings in the Shanklin area, for extremely lazy police officials.

**Les Dennis DVD**WANTED — DVD of Les Dennis talking about his vast collection of garden shears, to drown out the wife watching X-Factor. That, or a handgun.

**Cans of Stella**WANTED — Several cans of Stella Artois lager to bring out my better side.

Free to a Good Home

**Morrisons Trolley**FREE — Morrisons shopping trolley. Cost me a pound (now removed), buyer collects. IW 9653.

**Yorkshire Terrier**FREE — Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

**Puppies**FREE — Puppies. Half Irish Wolfhound, half sneaky neighbour's dog.

Personal Adverts

Fun, No Fuss — MALE — Need some fun and not worried by celebrity status? Give Jack a call. This joker is seeking a fun-loving middle-aged female who is up for pranks and good with words.

Stoner Seeks Same — MALE — Stoner seeks same.

Friends and Influence — MALE, 40 — Seeks secretive fraternity to make friends and influence people. Likes nipple-tweaking, trouser-pulling and funny handshakes.

Seeks Loving Owner — MALE — Young healthy male enjoys long walks, fine dining and playing fetch. Seeks kind, loving owner. Must have own lead. NO cats.

Big Arms, Small Legs — MALE, 24 — Big arms and shoulders with small legs, seeks 100% perfect older lady for long-term relationship. Must have own transport and dog.

Forgotten Nights and Gin — MALE — Neurotic, Prozac-driven male seeks a male companion to share forgotten nights and gin. Looks not important but hair is. Desperate is a plus but not necessary.